Better Days

This past week was easier than the last. My appetite is much better and I'm getting used to thinking of chemo as a temporarily "normal" condition.

Side effects are still minor and I'm trying to take each day as it comes. Anticipating feeling worse or thinking a lot about the more major side effects (which may never come) isn't so helpful.

Basically I've never wanted a summer to just hurry up and be done so I can be done with this! I notice myself jealous of everyone who isn't going through chemo right now. This means I'm jealous of everyone I know.

When I start feeling sorry for myself a little bit I try to remember that this is temporary and that it's simply what I need to do to survive and thrive. In other words, the unpleasantness will be worth it. I'm going to be so relieved to be cancer-free and to have done everything possible to get rid of any cancerous cells floating around.

In the meantime I'm putting one foot in front of the other each day and working my way through six chemo treatments. It's tiring. I have to rest sometimes in the middle of the day like an elderly person. But whatever. I'll get through it!

I enjoy hearing from you and seeing you, going for walks and talking about stuff going on in your summer. So thanks for staying in touch!

Hanging In There

I just wanted to let you know that I'm busy doing my "dealing with the first chemo thing" and am hanging in there.

The first few days were pretty easy, Saturday I had to lay low all day, and since then it's been up and down.

In a nutshell I've had to spend a lot of time experimenting with what kind of food intake works, and there have been a couple of minor side effects to respond to. It takes a lot of my attention and energy, and that's frustrating and kind of depressing.

Even though I knew I'd be required to pay close attention to what my body needs and respond to that (even if it means missing out on things I'd much rather be doing), in practice it takes some getting used to. It's taking me some time to just go with what is and let it be. So there have been fresh waves of general anxiety and grief these last few days, too. So much fun.

I'm doing my best to stay positive and keep up my strength - my two primary jobs. B. and the kids are taking care of all kinds of family life details.

Thanks all for your well wishes, your funny links, your surprise cookies, your dinners, your Words With Friends games, your friendship and support. Don't hesitate to be in touch, and if I don't get back to you right away, don't worry. It's just taking some time getting the hang of this.

Greetings from Oncology Infusion

Just a quick post to tell you that the chemo today is going without a hitch. I've been given tons of information about what to do and take to minimize side effects. I've learned that Friday will probably be my "lowest" day this week and 7-10 days from now I will probably be very tired.

B. is here with me. It's not a quick process - I get a blood draw, consult with the doctor, wait for blood results and get hooked up for one drug at a time (3 drugs in all). Today I'm here for 6 hours total. It will be a little faster next time.

Good thing there's wi-fi. I'm posting this as I receive the last of the chemo drugs for today. Then it's home for a walk and a nice dinner made by a friend.

I'll keep you posted.

Chemo Starts Monday, June 11

Decision Made

I finally made a decision about which of two chemo regimens I will go with.

This wasn't easy because the first oncologist favored one and the second favored the other. Both said I could pick either regimen. There's no study that shows that one is more effective than the other. It came down to a matter of opinion and which factors weighed more heavily in which oncologist's mind. It was up to me to select a regimen, and it was really hard to figure out how I was going to make that decision.

I went over and over my notes, I talked with B., with each of my parents, with a couple of other people. I slept on it for two nights. And then I made my decision. And I feel good about it.

This was a really strange and stressful situation because there was no right decision or wrong decision, yet obviously to me the stakes feel very high. I kept wanting there to be a right choice, a wrong choice, and some kind of guarantee.

Oh, and how about we throw in a free trip to Europe and a magic carpet, since I've now ventured into Fantasy Land.

Chemo Details

So I have my first chemo treatment on Monday morning. I'll have a total of six treatments, each three weeks apart. If I stay on schedule that puts my last treatment on September 24. Not that I've counted or anything.

I don't know what to expect about how I'll feel next week. I have to take steroids the day before and the day after the treatment to help combat fluid retention. Those I expect will amp me up a bit. I'll have anti-nausea medications to take. I'm pretty sure there will be some fatigue in the picture.

But rather than go through the extensive laundry list of possible side effects with you now, I'll just wait and see what happens. Have you ever checked the list of possible side effects on something innocuous, like a bottle of Advil? There's always something nasty on there, like severe stomach bleeding or seizures or shut down of major organs. Those things have never happened to me after taking the minor stuff, so I'm not going to memorize all the possible effects of the drugs that are entering my system next week. I'll just have to see how it goes and manage what comes my way.

How I'm Doing

I'm still so relieved to be in this phase of preventing recurrence rather than battling existing, known cancer, that starting the chemo process, while a huge bummer, is now something I just want to get through and be done with.

Also it still feels surreal, maybe because I don't know what to expect. I feel rather numb. I expect to feel nervous Sunday night and Monday.

Ways You Can Help

For the locals, there will be another round of dinner delivery opportunities. An email should be coming your way about this soon.

Here are other ideas for local folks:

Be in touch. Don't worry about bothering me - text or email if you don't want to call. Send a note. I love to hear from you. We can talk about me, but I really want to hear about you and your regular, everyday life.

If you're going for a walk, see if I want to come with. I'm supposed to get out every day and stay as active as possible. I'm also up for offers to have tea or just a visit.

If you or your children are friends with my kids, feel free to invite them along to something fun you're doing, or just to hang out, especially after school lets out for the summer. We'll be in town!

If you're friends with B., be in touch with him. Go out for a beer, a ride in his car, coffee - whatever. Being the spouse of a person going through chemo treatment is tough. I know he feels a lot of stress from all directions right now. He needs breaks and fun things to do and offers of specific help. He knows he can ask for help, but he (like me and pretty much everyone else we know) is not great at recognizing when he could use help or asking for it.

If you or your children like dogs, feel free to call or email with an offer to walk Caleb the Wonder Corgi anytime you want. Around the block is not too short. An off-leash park is not too long. He loves fetch in the yard, too. Come once, come ten times - whatever works. He's available!

If you're at a grocery store or drugstore nearby and you think of it, call and see if we need anything.

Drop anything by. Recently friends have brought flowers and cookies. Those are such day-brighteners!

And for anyone, local or not:

Be in touch!

Send me anything funny, amusing or distracting. Links to YouTube videos are good. A friend gave me Tina Fey's book Bossypants for my birthday last month (which you simply must read if you haven't already because it's hysterical). Any of your favorite TV shows that don't involve people dying of cancer or feature gritty violence that puts you into an existential torrent for days I definitely want to hear about. Any music you're listening to you'd recommend? I haven't downloaded any new music in a long time.

Play "Words With Friends" with me (it's a Scrabble app on your smartphone or on your computer through Facebook). This will be fun for you because I'm not one of those players who knows all the 2-letter words that no one has ever heard of, and if I get "chemo brain" I will be even easier to beat.

I probably will come up with more ideas as time goes on.

Good News Today

What I once took for granted has become a cause for celebration - there's no evidence of cancer in my body! Yay.

I had a CT scan and a bone scan yesterday, and they're both clear. Last week's heart scan was normal too, so I'm cleared for the chemo drugs that can affect pump function. Goody for me. That's not a common problem, so I'm not going to worry about it.

I still need to go through chemo in order to kill any errant bad cells that are looking for their chance at a comeback. But it's a huge relief to know that the cancer has not spread to form new tumors elsewhere. I had a few nights of tossing and turning waiting for this last piece of information.

Chemo will start the week after next - I should have a date soon. In the meantime I have an appointment for a second opinion on the chemo regimens on Monday and will make my decision next week about which set of chemicals I'm signing up for.

I'm dreading the whole chemo process. It seems much scarier to me than surgery, but I know that's easy to say right now with the surgery behind me.

When I had the port placed last week I had to go to oncology infusion (aka the chemo ward) for the first time to get an IV placed beforehand and to recover for a bit after the procedure. I've never seen people receiving chemo treatments, and although there wasn't anything shocking about it, it was pretty freaky being there among them. That's going to be me in a few weeks.

It was sad, surreal and a little disorienting. Hasn't there been some mistake? What am I doing here?

I thought about how each of the patients there, like me, were living their regular, everyday non-cancerous lives until cancer was thrown at them. They also had experienced their First Day at Oncology Infusion. Hopefully many of them could look forward to getting out of there and going on with cancer-free lives. But of course I had no idea what people's stories were.

I was the new girl, the young one with a lot of hair who didn't know what was going on or what to say to the person next to me. Small talk about the weather seemed safe. Silence to give us both some privacy seemed good, too.


As I move through treatment I know my perspective will change, as it has changed since January when this whole ordeal began.

In the meantime, good news is for sharing and savoring. So I'm doing both today.