Reflections at the Halfway Point

When I started chemo I noticed that I no longer felt the same desire to write in this blog. I'm reflecting on that today.

If this were my journal (which I don't keep often but have kept off and on since I was 10) there would be a lot more ranting and incoherence. It would be of course way more embarrassing for me and probably not one bit more interesting to you.

If this were my memoir, there would be a lot more excruciating detail about any possible drama because my editor would no doubt insist I include them to sell books. The horrors of nausea! The acquaintance who has shunned me since learning of my cancer! The incompetent nurses, the hospital errors (I'd have to make those up), and of course, my anger at God (which I'd also have to make up), and What It All Means.

This is not to attack memoirs by cancer survivors. And I'm sure if I were motivated I could write a decent one. But still, you have to reveal A LOT and be very vulnerable in order to make the kind of connection with your readers that makes your story interesting. And as you know I haven't even revealed on Facebook that I had cancer, nor do many of my clients know, so I am miles away from baring my soul to the general public.

This blog is like a newsletter for friends and acquaintances. And with chemo there's not a lot of news - it's lather, rinse, repeat, times six. Same old story.

Humor is one technique I've used to help me blast through my natural reserve at sharing any of this very personal information. I could share a little bit of what it was like to lose a breast by talking about my trip to the fake boob store, for example.

But there hasn't been much to strike my funny bone since chemo began. And the things that are funny I've wanted to share with friends and family just in person. I've been turning inward more and wanting to keep detailed information within a smaller group of people. I think this is natural.

Going through chemo makes me feel very exposed, very set apart. Frankly I just want to blend in. But this is a unique experience that's changing me - physically, emotionally, mentally (temporarily let's hope!) and spiritually.

And so I find myself bobbing back and forth between life as usual and life as something wholly different. I feel the same, yet completely different. I look the same, yet completely different. My relationships are the same, yet are completely different.

This is what it feels like to me right now.