On Thursday I met with Surgeon #2 ("Dr. C."), whom I like and have decided to go with. Conveniently she is in my health insurance group. As on Wednesday, B. and my mom were with me.
Dr. C's report was not quite as sunny as Surgeon #1's. Here are the main reasons:
- The areas the MRI uncovered that need to biopsied are not exactly "nothing". They are quite possibly something, as in more cancer. But we won't know for sure until they're checked out.
But MRIs can be very good at detecting invasive cancer. That's why young women with invasive cancer go get an MRI, so they can figure out just how much there is.
- Dr. C. also said that although we won't know for sure until after surgery, I might need to have chemo.
The invasive cancer they've already found looks small, which is good. We'll just have to see if there's any more.
I asked a lot of questions about a lot of things. Dr. C. is very warm and encouraging and also very direct. I found the whole appointment very upsetting and had a meltdown both during and after. There's just a lot to take in and it's very overwhelming.
Emotionally speaking, going to these appointments and learning new things about what I have or what I might have and what I have to do next and what I might have to go through feels like being hit with a baseball bat. Swift, shocking, and painful.
I've reached out to get some assistance with coping with the stress. I haven't been sleeping well, and I'm not very hungry. I think about this a lot, like approximately 4000 times a day. I think that's all very understandable, and yet I know that repeatedly spinning out in my imagination about awfulness ahead is not helpful.
I thought a lot about whether to try to underplay here how bad I've been feeling the last few days. There's a part of me that wants to package this experience I'm having in a certain way and hand it off to you so that I don't burden you with too many painful details.
But I decided that I'm just going to write what emerges when I sit down to write and give you some prior warning if it's dark (darker than the usual post in a cancer blog!)
I am increasingly aware of how important all of my friends and family are to me. It helps me to think about you and know that you're rooting for me. That may sound kind of corny, but it's true.
And although I'm scared and worried, I'm also digging out the positivity and strength.
Next steps:
1. Genetic counseling appointment February 23.
2. Ultrasound February 29 (hopefully sooner if there's a cancellation). If they can spot the new mystery areas with ultrasound, they'll biopsy them.
If they can't see those areas, I'll need MRI-guided biopsies (separate appointment). Then a couple of days after that, the pathology reports should be in.
So there's more waiting around to find out what exactly is going on and what I'm going to do about it.
In the notes from my appointment with Dr. C. she wrote, "Hang in there - you'll get through this!"
I'm really hanging onto her words and will hold her to them.
In the meantime, you can help by thinking positive for me!
Well, you're right....this appointment wasn't as comforting as the first one, in terms of the near future. But really, it's still looking very good for the long term, and at the end of the day that's the main thing, right?
ReplyDeleteOnce you get through this first stage of waiting to hear things, you'll move on to the fact-gathering, decision-making part. And after that, you'll have a solid plan, you'll know what to expect, and you can get on with kicking this thing in the ass.
You are on your way to being a cancer survivor. No doubt in my mind. This is probably the hardest part right now, before you can do anything besides worry and imagine. (And you know you have always had a hard time reining that in!) You will feel a lot better once it all gets going.
Check out this movie called Touching the Void, if you haven't already seen it. It's a true survival story, about these two guys who got into a huge mess coming down from a mountain peak. It's really good. Very exciting, in kind of a curious way, because even though it's told in part by interviews with the two guys themselves, who have obviously lived, you still watch it as if you don't know whether or not they're going to make it! (I did, at least...) But anyway, there's a situation in the movie that makes such a good metaphor for stressful times. One guy ends up in a spot where he knows he'll die if he does nothing. What he has to do to get out is terrifying, but he has no other option. You really should watch it, so I won't elaborate, but it's like you right now....you have to go through these treatments, so that's what you're going to do. And while it scares the hell out of you, it's also what is going to save you.
You will survive this. Absolutely you will.